IC Inbox | Carlos Oliveira

[sendinthedelta]

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Carlos Oliveira ⬤ Resident Evil 3 (2020)
residential district ⬤ Level 2
moonblessing ⬤ Sanguis

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Comments

[torsion]

Plenty, yeah.
I notice things most people don't.

Kinda pissed that you hoped that. You're still important to me even if things
I don't know?
Don't make sense?

[sendinthedelta]

honestly thats fair
that ur pissed

what we went thru
whichever version
was only a few days and i thought maybe

if i said smth u would freak out and leave for good

i already didnt want to say goodbye to u back home
even if i knew u were always gonna make dealing with umbrella ur priority

[torsion]

I get it. With the way things are here.

I can't blame you for wanting me to lay off. I can't be negative about you wanting to make a connection, whatever that might mean to you. I hope you find someone worthwhile, in passing or otherwise. None of my business how it pans out.

Don't have anywhere else to go. If I were to disappear it would only be because he'd finally decided to kill me. Wanna believe I can fight back, but in reality Wesker isn't human anymore. I can only fight off foreign things in my body with my virus and antibodies. I don't have super speed or strength. But if I were to die fighting him, I think it would be alright. If I don't, then who will?

[ The first bit of info regarding Wesker, and that he's also here. Something she withheld so he could get settled as best as he might. ]

I had to.
They
Wesker trapped us. Killed nearly all of the people I called friends. People I loved. People who felt like home.
Forest and Richard were nothing to him. I'm the only one that can hold onto their names and make them reality, make it clear they were people that mattered.
Among the others.
Forest made me apply to STARS, you know. Introduced me to Chris, even.

I only let it go over time and with focus on the bigger picture. That only led me to dying.

[sendinthedelta]

you

[He can't even type it. His hands shake at the thought of it. She... died. She was killed. He wasn't there and she--

Did that mean if he went back and moved through those years that's all he was going to find of her later? Outdone by an infection despite all his efforts to keep her safe for that horribly brief time they were together?

Shit.

He has to sit down and stare at his phone for a while, not meaning to send the single word but also not focused enough to realize he did.

After what probably feels like an agonizingly long time to her he starts typing again.]

no look i was an idiot the other day
keeping it from u wasnt fair to u
i thought if i said anything u would leave but not saying it did that nyway

im rly sorry tht i wasnt there for u when u needed it
that all that happened to u and ur friends
just letting u go like that the first time
if i could change it i would but i cant so

pls dont shut me out this time
even if its only here at least let me make it up to u somehow

[He has to set his phone aside after that, breathing into his hands and feeling like some dumb lovesick teenager begging his girlfriend to stay after a fight or some equally asnine thing.

It's not even like that. He cares about her as a friend first and foremost! But that's all the more reason to not want her to "lay off".]

[torsion]

[ It's hard to talk about death. About somehow being alive despite the fall, the drop, the depth. The virus kicked itself in gear. It was the same as when she saw Wesker get impaled, she supposed. Though she didn't think she had anything that could heal her or make her impervious, she'd spent time in an operating room, too.

Part of her doesn't want to know what happened, in all honesty. ]

Hey, like I said, it's fine.
We all have shit to deal with in coming here. I had my inklings, but I'm still wrapping my head around other worlds to begin with.
The "you" I knew was a lot more clean-cut, you know. Not that I don't think he had it in him (you?) to look a little scruffy.

What happened in the mansion happened. What happened after couldn't have been avoided.
I made the choice to fight Wesker and I made the choice to stop him at that time the only way I knew how. There wasn't time to think. So, I took him with me.

Relax. We're alright so long as you're alright with me. Don't know how we really should be dealing with differences and I'm not really good with...
You know, feelings.

I was and still am thrilled that you're here. It seems everyone else has someone that really matters to them here. I always wondered when I'd get a turn.

[ It's the best she can do to reassure him and be honest. Despite valuing honesty, feelings and talking about things that bothered her in any sense were never something she was particularly good at. She was the type to hold it all in, sometimes at the cost of what mattered.

She's not willing to do it now. It's better to be frank. Let him know what happened, why she might not be the way he remembered beyond just... being different. She's flooded with relief that he's not happier without her around and it makes her settle in more comfortably where she is. ]

I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't feel shitty if you needed space or didn't want to talk to me. It's the least I could offer you.

[sendinthedelta]

[That damn noise actually makes him jump. He was staring at the ceiling certain she was just going to leave him to stew in his own stupidity that he didn't expect the notification to go off.]

scruffy means a lot less upkeep when zombies are chewin on u

[This does not feel like the right time for lame ass jokes, but that's Carlos for you. What emotional damage. Everything is fine here! See that smile? It's all good.]

honestly
i dont care which u it is
ur still jill to me and im always gonna want to talk to u supercop

there may b differences but it was still racoon city and it was still hell but a hell we went thru together one way or another

like i said im here now as long as theyll let me stay

[torsion]

[ She's not pissed. She'd sooner go talk to him in person and kick him if she were than ignore him. Actions, after all. ]

You are talking to someone that sported a soccer mom cut for years and now lives in a ponytail.

[ It soothes her. It's what she's used to. From him, herself, others. It's a way to break the ice. And breathe. ]

That easy, huh.
I mean, we could be pretty different people.

Guess that didn't change. You saved my life, you know. I wouldn't be alive if not for you and then if not from the dormant virus within me. So twice, technically.

Well, you won't get rid of me that easily, either.

Texting must be rough on you. You can just send me audio or visual messages, you know.

[sendinthedelta]

i would fear for the other moms if u were a soccer mom
it would b awesome tho

[Okay good because he's not stopping unless she tells him to.]

well see that part didnt change bc i def remember saving u with the vaccine

i am
not good with tech

[But she's given him permission to change to something easier, though, choosing voice after a bit of fumbling.]

Thanks. I don't know if I'm ever gonna get used to this texting crap.

[torsion]

Hey, I'm not that old yet, ha ha.
The only mom I'll ever be is a dog mom.
Maybe.

[ There's no hint of regrets or anything there. She just really doesn't like the idea of being a parent. But she'll take the compliment just fine. ]

It made the virus dormant for me, but I wasn't aware of it until much more recently.

I've had a longer time to get used to it, but it's still not my specialty.

[ Though she prefers text, this is a friend. So, she does the same. ]

You don't have to. I prefer talking, but I like the anonymity of text. Not really needed with you, though. [ She pauses for a moment, like she's run out of things to say (another bonus of text, odd little tidbits don't sound as foolish or awkward). ] Anyway, I owe you a plant. I can give you some I've ground up as well as sprays and tablets. I can make more for you if you think you need them.

[ It's her way of saying she wants to see him again. She just doesn't know how to be honest with something like that. It's not embarrassing, but she doesn't want to be disappointed. Even if he's already reassured her of her fears.]

[sendinthedelta]

[He gets it. He knows how to read between her lines. He would never force her to do something she wasn't comfortable with.

He's glad to hear it, though, that she wants to come around. It's still just audio but there's a distinct smile to his voice as he answers.]

I'm not as bad off as when I got here, but I'll gladly take whatever you're willing to spare just in case.

[Never know what's going to happen. Better to be prepared, after all.]

[torsion]

[ It's nice to have that, at the very least. Although she's trying to be better about being open with the people who matter.

Her own voice has the vocal equivalent of a playful, teasing arm punch. ]

Hey, I was still going to make sure you'd be stocked, regardless. So, been up to anything interesting lately?

[ Not small talk. Jill genuinely wants to know. ]

[sendinthedelta]

[Not surprising. Means she's in a good mood.]

Sleeping isn't all that interesting, I'm afraid.

[But boy does it feel awesome.]

Mostly just settling in. Trying to not get those damn songs stuck in my head. Failing at it.

[That reminds him, though:]

Hey, what are some places here I absolutely should check out? Gotta start getting to know this place sooner or later.

[torsion]

[ Jill understands, but she solemnly -- quietly -- adds:/ ]

I don't sleep much these days.

[ It's done in such a way to not open herself up for discussion, although there's something that lingers. She wants to tell him, wants to let him know what he wasn't there for. Jill trusts him with her life, so why not the details of it? ]

Not sure. I explore the sewers with a friend sometimes. Makes for an easy way to get around, like we did in Raccoon. [ Did they? She doesn't know. But she pushes that out of her mind. ] If you're talking restaurants, I can give you a few recommendations. I know an excellent sushi place, burger place, pub -- if you like dark and quiet and not... clubs, and a wing place. Chinese and Korean, too.

[ Jill is almost over-eager when she says it. Like she wants an excuse to keep the conversation going. Or, if she's lucky, to lead him there. ]

[sendinthedelta]

[The humor fades from his voice, a worried tone shoving it's way in.]

... I figured. I get it. I didn't think I'd be able to, either. Some nights are harder than others.

[When it rains, when the noises are too much and too random to pin to a specific source. When his brain wants to be more frantic and less easy to calm.]

I think when I got here I was just too exhausted not to.

[Given he arrived less than a few hours after they got into that helicopter and left the nuked remains of Racoon City behind. He even wound up passing out on a neighbor's couch after she helped patch up the wounds he hadn't seen to earlier.

He hesitates, knowing that offers of help were always awkward between them and that he had foolishly turned her down before. But he can't help it. He cares too much, and he knows now that her offer had been just as much for her own unspoken benefit as it was for him.

The talk of restaurants and Luntia hot spots could be put on hold for a moment.]

... that room in your house a standing offer or did I miss the boat on it?

[He's totally not asking because he's worried about her. Nope.]

[torsion]

...sorry. Am I that obvious?

[ It's clear that Jill has been through things she can't discard -- and she was willing to ignore the mansion. It means that something worse has happened. Something that words can't quite grip as much as she means to be strong and hold on. She owes it to him, but her mouth feels like a desert. Empty. Lost. Uncertain how to start. Even if he was there. ]

I understand. My injuries were terrible when I arrived. I wasn't sure if I could make it out of it. Too tired, but my body wouldn't let me sleep. Still doesn't, sometimes.

[ It was rough. And even if it wasn't the same as what they'd suffered through together, Jill knows that what he went through must have been similar. It must have been nearly unbearable, especially in comparison to the lies that Umbrella told. Jill wanted to say something, to offer her shoulder, to be able to give him something to rely on... But it falls blank and useless and that alone disgusts her. She never wanted anything more than to be a shield, but she couldn't give that to him. ]

It is. For you, it's never off the table.

[ Clarity that even with the time she'd made clear has passed. That he was still up there for her. That he would be picked among others. ]

...I live with Leon S. Kennedy, if it's alright. Not, you know. Intimately. I don't indulge in that. Just.. just so you know. [ Why did it matter if he knew? She hates being vulnerable, but Jill still carries on. A quiet tone, like they're in public and she means only him to hear it. ] I've missed you terribly.

[sendinthedelta]

[He makes a "a little" motion with his hands, knowing good and well she can't see him right now and he would probably get an arm punch for doing so.

He can't fault her for it, though. If he weren't so determined to keep his smile, his humor even in the darkest of times he would probably be exactly the same. It's what kept him alive before Umbrella. It kept him alive after.

Not everyone can be like him and he knows it.]

I know Leon.

[Something about Racoon just... draws them to one another. Across time and space and maybe even dimensions it's like they just know.

He's grateful to Leon for being there when he failed at it, though. And Rebecca, too, even if they have yet to meet. Intimately or not it's still good to have someone that understands.

A smile does come back to his voice after a brief pause, sad and heavy yet warm and relieved.]

I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner.

[torsion]

[ She can envision it, if only because she talks with her hands herself. It's silly and she wants to feel him. Something physical beyond just being there and it's quite likely she'd punch his arm, but never with her full strength. And always with the kind of smile that's impossible to understand. Something more than just the moment. ]

It's alright. I should tell you about the last... well, almost four years of my life. I know I've been closed off -- it's hard for me to say. But I think it's your right to know what happened. Why I'm... this.

[ It was only a part of why she became so closed off and lost, but she wanted him to know. To not have any secrets between them where they knew something was happening but were unable to vocalize it. Jill doesn't offer more about that information now; it seizes her and has her fearful. She doesn't want to be the enemy, but she's done many horrible things. ]

I hope you can forgive me for what I've done.

[sendinthedelta]

[He knows. Or knew. Deep down that whatever she went through in those years in between couldn't have been all trauma and escaping and surviving. Things had to have gone down to make her this way, to give her that darkness in her eyes that he already hates seeing but knows he can do so little about.

But he gets it. Lord above does he get it. He's done some shady ass shit, too. Even before Umbrella. Guerrilla tactics could be absolutely awful, even inhumane at times. He was a child for so much of it and yet he understood at a very early age that one does what one must to make it to the next day breathing.

And he hated it. A tiny part of him still hated himself for going that route but it wasn't like he had much of a choice.

Most don't, in that situation. And starvation was not fucking pretty.

It's why he forces the jokes so much. Why he looks to humor to cope. He has to believe there's a good day to be had after all the darkness and pain otherwise he would just start screaming and never ever stop.]

I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't, Jill.

[torsion]

[ The difference was that Jill knew. It was there, rattling her as she couldn't fight back. It enveloped her and all she could do was let it happen. Things that he did and so much worse. Jill wasn't tricked, she wasn't told other things than what she represented. She was there and couldn't fight back. All she could do was accept the atrocities.

It's too difficult to talk about now and will be the same in the future. She knows she'll have to fight it and that it will hurt to talk about. But she also knows that she has no other choice and that he deserves to know what she did. That they were now on even footing at best, even yet what she did was worse than what he did even when he thought he was helping. She was worse than a pawn. ]

I don't know about that. You at least thought you were doing good. I knew what I was doing. I just... I couldn't fight back.

[sendinthedelta]

You didn't chase me away before and I'm not about to start running now.

[He'll shoulder it if he has to. He'll help carry her guilt if that's what it takes. Regardless of how it happened, what she believe or didn't believe, he wasn't there to help her then so all he can do is be here now.

They were partners of circumstance but that didn't just end because she stepped off a helicopter and went her own way.

His next words are soft, cautious and gentle. She can refuse if she needs to, regroup and talk about it another time, or she can get it out in the open now if that's what she needs to do for her own sanity.]

I can come over now.

[torsion]

[ She wants to challenge him, ask if he shouldn't have went the other way, but she finds herself silent. She may have the fight in her otherwise, but that she doesn't have it for him makes her feel weak and broken. Something she knew she was now, but she didn't want to admit to. Everything that happened over the past several years piled high, and dug in. Claws into skin, tearing. Rending asunder. Too sharp.

He wasn't just anyone, though. And it hurt her to feel like she was lying even if it was only withholding information. She knew it was one and the same. But she finds that he words escape her. She reaches for them and they dissipate before she can grasp them. ]

...if you'd like. You may not like what you end up hearing.

[ It could break things. And Jill doesn't want that when it already feels like they're on a fragile string between the two of them. What is she meant to do?

Just like what happened, all she can do is let it wash over her. Accept it. ]

[sendinthedelta]

That hasn't stopped me yet.

[Back at the very beginning, when his platoon had been decimated by the undead, when he was desperately searching for survivors so someone, anyone could be spared and they had found one another in the thick of it she had berated him for being a part of Umbrella. "They're the ones that caused all of this!" she had practically spat.

At the time he denied any knowledge because he didn't have any but still insisted on sticking with her despite the cold shoulder. Later a poor CRT monitor suffered his momentary wrath for learning the truth of it all. Through it all he kept going because he knew the two of them were just trying their damndest to help regardless of what had brought them together.

Unless she was straight up murdering in cold blood without remorse or guilt - both she seemed to be feeling in spades right now - it would take a hell of a lot more for him to actively hate her.]

Maybe I won't, but I'm not some asshole who cuts and runs at the slightest sign of something bad.

[You know that, an unspoken thought. She doesn't need admonishment right now.]

[torsion]

[ It isn't the same, she thinks. Nothing they had been through had led them on a path to this. What she was, what happened to her... it felt like a lie, even if she fought against it. It wasn't right. But her she was, fighting for the both of them. It dug in and tore her apart. It felt like she was in shreds, begging to be picked up only to be admonished for decisions worse than what she had assumed of him. She was nothing more than a prop an it made her angry. She wanted to fight it, but she knew the facts.

The facts told her what happened and who she was. What she had done. Who was she to fight back when she knew the reality of it all? It was weak. Her body was fallible and not an instrument of justice let alone her own content. It wasn't for her anymore and she could turn again at any time. She doesn't doubt Wesker is capable of it. So, at the very least, she owed him an explanation in case it all happened again. That's why, of course. ]

I know you aren't. If only it were so simple. I'll wait for you. I'm not going anywhere.

[ Though every part of her feels aflame. Like she should run and hide and avoid all of this, that the shame will drag her under and leave nothing. But here she is. Waiting still. Sitting. Knowing he'll be here soon enough. ]

[sendinthedelta]

I'll be there.

[That's all he gives, but it's stern and assured. He will be there.

He won't invade her space entirely just yet. An overnight bag, a small bottle of halfway decent whiskey that he'd grabbed recently, unopened as of right now. They'll need it later, he feels. He can deal with the rest of his crap later.

Duffle hanging off his shoulder, clothes casual and plain, hair marginally more brushed than the last time she saw him he knocks on her door within a half an hour of hanging up.]

[torsion]

[ She doesn't expect it to be so easy. Like this was already planned from the get-go. She doesn't know what he wants -- doesn't expect he really wants anything, even though he's considered staying with her and Leon permanently, and she hangs up feeling her nerves prickle like sharp spikes.

She is dressed similarly as the last time, like she's ready to go to the gym and put the time in, ponytail up and body pushed in with compression gear. But she still looks strong, her stomach muscles on display and perhaps the sort that some may be envious of. Unlike his offer at his own home, she not only steps aside but ushers him in beyond the foyer. It's an unspoken invitation that Jill knows she should give more to form, but she isn't sure how to make it more comfortable.

The kitchen, first. Plain and empty without much decoration beyond a photograph of STARS on the fridge. It's lived-in, at least. ]

...can I get you anything?

[ Something to drag on the niceties and ignore the rough reality of things. ]